The thing about depression is that it turns you into a cold hearted motherfucker. You know that life is just all against you and there’s nothing you can do about it. One day you wake up and you kind of just submit to all these pointless sufferings. It’s like you have finally accepted that life is a lemon throwing asshole in the sky. And you can’t make lemonade out of that, right?

You start faking a smile around people just to make it seem that you’re okay. It irritates you how and why you’re surrounded by a bunch of hypocrites. Don’t you all get sad and mopey and miserable at times? But the thing about my depression is that it’s not at all sad, mopey and miserable. Just, sometimes!



The moment you start hoarding food from your refrigerator? And gobble up let’s say, the leftover cake from your brother’s birthday? That’s when self-loathing shifts to misanthropy real quick. You can get as cold as ice, as bitter as your earwax and go on a judging spree on facebook. While eating the leftover cake of course.

Fb Friend: Off to the gym!
Me: Off to a cliff and jump to my horrible horrible death!

FB Friend shared a photo “Quote about Success.”
Me: The closest I have to success is getting out of bed to get food from the fridge and then run back to the bedroom before anyone sees me. *scrolls down*

FB Friend: “Unfriending all these negative people on Facebook.”
Me: Bitch can't do it without announcing. Hey Little Miss Pocketful of Sunshine living in your make-believe, naive and ridiculously all too positive world. Pick me!!!

FB Friend: “Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.” ~Buddha
Me: I thought your hairline is just reclining. Now, you're quoting Buddha? Looks like someone's going to Tibet. Everyone's going somewhere and I'm here on my bed. At least I still have my hair. Lots of hair.

Maybe it’s good that I’m actually secluded and away from hoomans. Unfortunately for our cats, they entered my room. And I just channelled my bitterness towards these feline creatures and started what would be called "catsanthropy".

What’s up with you cat? Why are you so fucking cute? I want to rip your eyes out and replace it with fish eyes that way you’ll even be cuter.

Oh there’s another one!?

Why do you look like Willem Dafoe?

Great, another cat!? Now life is a cat throwing something something?

This cat has three colors. Ugly!!

Hey, Garfield! Lose the damn weight. People are gonna judge you. I'm judging you.

Stop playing with your shadow idiot!

Now you’re all up in my bed?

Stop that! It’s cute.

It’s making me happy. I’m not supposed to feel this way.

I invoke my right to be gloomy and bitter. Like Wednesday Addams! (If the Addams ever decide to adopt a Filipino baby and call it 'Thursday'.)

Why are you all here?

Oh, you’re really cute.

Hey, I need to justify my depression with sadness. Just stop fucking with my feelings!

Fuck these cats.

Oh!

God!

No!

MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!

A cat just pooped on my bed.

Tales in Depression Part 1

DEMENTORS

It was a Tuesday when I decided to take a day off from work. It was June 2016, a few days before I turned one year in our small company. I do graphic design for a living, my first real job and it's currently what pays for our dailies. "One year", I said. Most people would consider it a milestone and a part of me actually believes that. But I'm confused to whether I should say "It's already a year and. . ." or "It's only been a year but. . .".

If there's anything I learned in the past, it's that time can be very tricky. It's relative to our experiences, purview and what have we. It's as if I was taken back to my second year high school biology class under Mrs. Sausora when time was slow to a stop.

According to Philip Siekevitz, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell. Brain cells die in just minutes. So when you think or say something stupid you may have already died a million times inside. A walking piece of gradual decay against a bustling city life. If I remembered it right, I wasn't even walking then. I was on my computer scrolling through selfies, videos, hugots and whatnots from people who are (hashtag) #livingthelife.



Then came the news! The news! It was a complete hemorrhage.

As I was contemplating of my year-long hiatus in 'trying to do film', suddenly came a really big problem. I really thought I, on the very least, have lessen the frequent visits of loan sharks knocking at our doorstep. But the problem isn't with those guys. The problem was just there right beside of us. It's as if we haven't got enough. This time we got sandwiched! I really can't get into the details about our problem but it's not just a financial one. It's also about keeping home and having peace of mind.

I will be honest with you. It almost feels like I was a naked potato. And when you have all these problems coming right at you all at once it can get overwhelming. Like you're about to sink. Just like that time when I nearly drowned in a swimming pool.

All of a sudden light began to fade, the cold started to bite and I was transported to an empty parking lot with dementors, about ten or more, encircling me. And the worst part is? I just stood there like a cell without mitochondria.

I’m not sure what’s going on with me right now. But I have been soaking myself in a lot of negative emotions lately. Also, I don’t fear on missing out anymore. In fact, I love and enjoy my time with myself doing the things I like or doing absolutely nothing at all. And I hate myself for that.



It eases my depression at times but when I realize that the world doesn't stop and that I have to make up for the missing times, I just become more depressed. What makes it worse is that I have to come up with a lie so I won't have to say I'm depressed. I didn't sign up to be a compulsive liar but I'm starting to be one lately. Lying is just so much easier than saying "I'm depressed".

Insecurities

I’m aware that I’m trapped in a cycle; In a limbo that I can’t seem to get out off. And while I’ve been dealing with a lot of regret, insecurities are gobbling every part of me as well. I live in a bubble of inaction and thoughts. I’ve been dreaming a lot. I've been staring at the ceiling for God knows how long. I can't get myself out of bed and sometimes I wish I didn't have to wake up. But I need to. I have to try.

Call it Quarter Life Crisis!

I don’t even know if quarter life crisis is for real or someone just made it up for the heck of it. Don’t get me wrong. I have been trying to help myself ever since. I have tried countless times for the past six months and I've got nothing.

Yes. I realized this over a month ago as I checked through my payslips. It started around June when I turned one year in our company. One year. And I thought, hey it’s only been a year but that feels a lot and you have all these problems coming right at you and you’re only half as you imagined you to be. You’re probably not even half. You’re probably still nothing.

I was nothing when I started. A complete reboot after graduation. You think it’s a joke when older folks would say “Welcome to the real world.”? Well if you don't call your parents Mommy and Daddy it’s not a joke. Reality comes with bills and other responsibilities and they will all come right at you and rip your face off. My problems just piled up since then.

The Hardest Part

The hardest part is that I can't open up to anyone about this simply because that means drama. I don't like wasting other people's time for drama. I have been called many names but I don't want to be called such an 'actor'.

This is probably why I'm writing about it instead. It might help. I don't know.

So far only one has offered help and it felt good. Made me think "Hey, I still have friends". But that person has done a lot for me already and I don't want to be a bother to anyone. I feel like I should be able to understand myself first before I open up to anyone about this.

Until then, I'll keep to myself. I'm sorry.