The thing about depression is that it turns you into a cold hearted motherfucker. You know that life is just all against you and there’s nothing you can do about it. One day you wake up and you kind of just submit to all these pointless sufferings. It’s like you have finally accepted that life is a lemon throwing asshole in the sky. And you can’t make lemonade out of that, right?

You start faking a smile around people just to make it seem that you’re okay. It irritates you how and why you’re surrounded by a bunch of hypocrites. Don’t you all get sad and mopey and miserable at times? But the thing about my depression is that it’s not at all sad, mopey and miserable. Just, sometimes!



The moment you start hoarding food from your refrigerator? And gobble up let’s say, the leftover cake from your brother’s birthday? That’s when self-loathing shifts to misanthropy real quick. You can get as cold as ice, as bitter as your earwax and go on a judging spree on facebook. While eating the leftover cake of course.

Fb Friend: Off to the gym!
Me: Off to a cliff and jump to my horrible horrible death!

FB Friend shared a photo “Quote about Success.”
Me: The closest I have to success is getting out of bed to get food from the fridge and then run back to the bedroom before anyone sees me. *scrolls down*

FB Friend: “Unfriending all these negative people on Facebook.”
Me: Bitch can't do it without announcing. Hey Little Miss Pocketful of Sunshine living in your make-believe, naive and ridiculously all too positive world. Pick me!!!

FB Friend: “Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.” ~Buddha
Me: I thought your hairline is just reclining. Now, you're quoting Buddha? Looks like someone's going to Tibet. Everyone's going somewhere and I'm here on my bed. At least I still have my hair. Lots of hair.

Maybe it’s good that I’m actually secluded and away from hoomans. Unfortunately for our cats, they entered my room. And I just channelled my bitterness towards these feline creatures and started what would be called "catsanthropy".

What’s up with you cat? Why are you so fucking cute? I want to rip your eyes out and replace it with fish eyes that way you’ll even be cuter.

Oh there’s another one!?

Why do you look like Willem Dafoe?

Great, another cat!? Now life is a cat throwing something something?

This cat has three colors. Ugly!!

Hey, Garfield! Lose the damn weight. People are gonna judge you. I'm judging you.

Stop playing with your shadow idiot!

Now you’re all up in my bed?

Stop that! It’s cute.

It’s making me happy. I’m not supposed to feel this way.

I invoke my right to be gloomy and bitter. Like Wednesday Addams! (If the Addams ever decide to adopt a Filipino baby and call it 'Thursday'.)

Why are you all here?

Oh, you’re really cute.

Hey, I need to justify my depression with sadness. Just stop fucking with my feelings!

Fuck these cats.

Oh!

God!

No!

MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!

A cat just pooped on my bed.

Tales in Depression Part 1

DEMENTORS

It was a Tuesday when I decided to take a day off from work. It was June 2016, a few days before I turned one year in our small company. I do graphic design for a living, my first real job and it's currently what pays for our dailies. "One year", I said. Most people would consider it a milestone and a part of me actually believes that. But I'm confused to whether I should say "It's already a year and. . ." or "It's only been a year but. . .".

If there's anything I learned in the past, it's that time can be very tricky. It's relative to our experiences, purview and what have we. It's as if I was taken back to my second year high school biology class under Mrs. Sausora when time was slow to a stop.

According to Philip Siekevitz, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell. Brain cells die in just minutes. So when you think or say something stupid you may have already died a million times inside. A walking piece of gradual decay against a bustling city life. If I remembered it right, I wasn't even walking then. I was on my computer scrolling through selfies, videos, hugots and whatnots from people who are (hashtag) #livingthelife.



Then came the news! The news! It was a complete hemorrhage.

As I was contemplating of my year-long hiatus in 'trying to do film', suddenly came a really big problem. I really thought I, on the very least, have lessen the frequent visits of loan sharks knocking at our doorstep. But the problem isn't with those guys. The problem was just there right beside of us. It's as if we haven't got enough. This time we got sandwiched! I really can't get into the details about our problem but it's not just a financial one. It's also about keeping home and having peace of mind.

I will be honest with you. It almost feels like I was a naked potato. And when you have all these problems coming right at you all at once it can get overwhelming. Like you're about to sink. Just like that time when I nearly drowned in a swimming pool.

All of a sudden light began to fade, the cold started to bite and I was transported to an empty parking lot with dementors, about ten or more, encircling me. And the worst part is? I just stood there like a cell without mitochondria.

Fireflies have been in some key moments in my life. And I could write a book or make a film out of them. For now, let this blog post suffice. I remember when I was a kid, I spent one summer in our farm. At night, my cousins and I would catch those little glowing bugs and put them on jars. It was a magical experience and probably what unlocked my vivid imagination as a child.



When I was in high school, I was part of the Rovers Scouts where we had this vigil. The thing about a Rovers Scouts' vigil is that it's kind of a rite of passage ceremony where aspirants become Rover Scouts overnight. But before you get your own neckerchief (a scout's badge of honor) you need to survive the night and protect your Y-Stick (a traditional wooden staff for boys scouts) from getting stolen. Our seniors would then put us in some dark location, blindfolded and isolated from everyone with only a candle, a bible, some candies, water and our Y-stick.

 There was a time when they told everyone to remove the blindfolds and I got scared shitless. I was put in a dark area in the BL building and I was alone. I was put in the freaking BL building where there's an urban legend of a ghost majorette who was brutally raped and murdered by students of rich families. The school is Davao City National High School by the way. I looked around to check my surroundings and then I froze. On my peripheral vision is a white object crawling towards me and I didn't dare looked that way. I don't know what it was or if it was just my imagination or the after-effect of being blindfolded but I quickly opened my bible and started praying the Lord's prayer until a voice frightened me. It was one of our seniors telling me that I should light my candle.

 Then, everyone started lighting their candles and I could see the other aspirants from a close distance. I felt safer. But the night was still young. Our seniors started to rove around and check on us. Some tried to talk us out of giving away our sticks. It was a challenge and I hugged my Y-stick so hard it hurts. I got dragged and all but I never let go of my Y-stick.

Then came dawn. I remember we were asked to write something about ourselves. I don't really remember what I wrote but it's something you either want to be taken away from you or something you'd wish for. While writing my piece I saw fireflies from up above trees and I felt inspired. Morning came and I've become a full-fledged Rover scout.




 About two years ago, shortly after my College graduation my classmates and I ventured on this short film project. It was meant to be submitted to the CineFilipino Film Festival but time consumed us and on my part, the reality of completing the film - of being so passionate - or looking for a job dawned on me and hit me hard. The project was a failure and I have never felt so weak. I easily gave up on it because of some issues or non-issues, actions and inactions that happened between me and my film crew. It was really blurry how we came to that point. Over time it just died and I've become a slave to the harsh realities of life. I had a choice and however freeing it is to pursue film I cannot say no to the needs of my family. Nevertheless, making that 'unfinished' project was one of the best experiences of my life.



The film is called 'Ngadto Sa Layong Dapit' (To A Far Distance / A Place Way Beyond). Well that's a rough english translation but go figure. The film is about a group who got lost in the wilderness trying to find an indigenous tribe. It's also about a man trying to search for his family (the Tribe) after years of staying in the city. It was an allegorical tale which involves local folklore and Encantos (Forest Spirits). It is kind of funny how the story almost exactly paralleled the fate of the film and its filmmakers. We all got lost.



 Anyway, while shooting a death scene for the film my friend Claire (the blonde girl on the picture above) saw something flickered in the backdrop. She got spooked but we still continued rolling. Then came another flicker and I thought they were eyes of some big beast gleaming from afar. We got really scared that we hurried the shoot and ran off. It was only after a few minutes that I realized those were actually fireflies and it's been so long since I last saw them.

 This is why I always look forward to seeing fireflies. They just fill you up with these different crazy emotions. Seeing them is almost like how it feels to be alive. First I felt warmth and joy when I was a child. Then I felt brave and inspired during high school. But who would have thought that there will come a time when I'll actually run away from them? Hahaha.

I hope many years from now I would still be able to see these fantastic creatures. With developments around us plus environmental issues, it's kinda hard to tell.

P.S.

Anyway, if you're interested of seeing more behind the scene photos of Ngadto Sa Layong Dapit check out the Behance Gallery of my friend (our talented cinematographer) Cyrus The Great. CLICK HERE!